“I love you, son.” “I know, mom….I love you too. And don’t worry….I promise I’ll call you if it gets too bad.”
That was the first and only promise to me he ever broke.
In the early morning hours of July 15, 2014, just 6 days after his 26th birthday, my kind, smart, funny, gifted, loyal and altogether beautiful son made the unimaginable and irreparable decision to end his life.
And though I know I must…and I will go on – that God is still loving and good – I just can’t imagine what that life will look like. It’s unfathomable to think of him being truly gone – that I won’t hear the Skype tones indicating he’s calling for a video chat, or that he won’t be graduating with his class from Nuclear Propulsion Power school in November. How can we think of Thanksgiving….or Christmas….or every day from now on without him?
We’re the Warrens. The four Warrens: Tom, Shellie, Brett and Kelsey. How can we suddenly not be that anymore? I have questions with no answers. I have dreams now altered. I have a God who loves me. And I have a severely broken heart.
The idea to write about our journey in mourning came quickly on the heels of Brett’s death. I was overcome with a depth of emotion such as I’d never experienced before. I was sure there were important insights and maybe even lessons that might be helpful to others down the road, and I was afraid of losing it all in the rush of time and amid the raging flood of details that suddenly assaulted us with urgency. Writing has always helped me organize and better understand feelings, but putting such intensely personal and painful feelings on paper has proven to be a far more difficult task than I could have imagined. I’ve taken weeks in setting up this simple blog – and another week to find the courage to actually type the first words. However…..though I am terrified….I am also compelled.
People tell us it will be at least a year before we get through the “firsts” – first holidays, first birthdays, first vacations, first…..whatever the tradition is that reminds you that someone is missing. We are a very, very close family. It’s going to be a very, very long year…..
So, I’m going to write my way through it. I don’t promise it will always be encouraging or uplifting or even interesting. But I do promise it will be honest. I also promise I will seek God for mercy and healing with every letter of every word……
My Heart’s Lament
Oh God, my God. I’ve never know a day without your presence and forgiving love. But tonight I am lost – I am shattered with grief and the loss of this one you created in my very body – this one we waited for so long. How can this possibly be? Why, God? Help me trust you…..
My Heart’s Praise
Where can I go you are not there? What can I fear you have not overcome? Who can pour comfort and healing into my heart and mind but you? You are faithful. You are loyal. You are trustworthy. I choose to believe you are good!